My mind is full of thoughts but I’m not sure how to put them
into sentences. For so long, I’ve wanted to express my experience but I haven’t
found the right words. I’ve been away for so long, not just from this blog, but
from life as a whole. I last posted on the 5th of March, 2016, so
it’s been a while. An explanation as to why I’ve been away is probably called
for.
Today, October 11, is an important day. It marks exactly one
year since the accident that set me off on this crazy journey. I purposely
chose to post today because of this milestone. Since the last time I posted
life has taken the most unexpected turn.
I grossly underestimated the complexity of what was going on with me, I believed that in a month or two I would be walking but here I am 8 months later writing this from the comfort of my wheelchair. I’m not going to sugar coat it - the past year has been really challenging. Lately, life has been an assortment of appointments, hospitals, scans, tests, frustration, physio, tears and pain. In my last post I explained how I’d been admitted to a local rehabilitation centre; that was when life turned to chaos. I began to stumble down a dark spiral and adjusting to life in hospital was challenging. I’d lost the ability to stand, get into a car, my legs were extremely sensitive and activities of daily living had become almost impossible. Everything was so foreign and I could do next to nothing for myself. The energy it took to do the simplest of things was immense. Hobbies of mine became a drag because of the issues that CRPS presents with concentration and brain fog, which was really frustrating. I couldn’t find the motivation to write at the time so I took an unannounced break. The outside world became a distant memory.
I grossly underestimated the complexity of what was going on with me, I believed that in a month or two I would be walking but here I am 8 months later writing this from the comfort of my wheelchair. I’m not going to sugar coat it - the past year has been really challenging. Lately, life has been an assortment of appointments, hospitals, scans, tests, frustration, physio, tears and pain. In my last post I explained how I’d been admitted to a local rehabilitation centre; that was when life turned to chaos. I began to stumble down a dark spiral and adjusting to life in hospital was challenging. I’d lost the ability to stand, get into a car, my legs were extremely sensitive and activities of daily living had become almost impossible. Everything was so foreign and I could do next to nothing for myself. The energy it took to do the simplest of things was immense. Hobbies of mine became a drag because of the issues that CRPS presents with concentration and brain fog, which was really frustrating. I couldn’t find the motivation to write at the time so I took an unannounced break. The outside world became a distant memory.
It's not just the physical disability that I’ve struggled
with, this has been tough mentally too. There’s so much more to CRPS, or any
chronic illness, than meets the eye. Living away from home, being isolated from
friends and family, and pushing through hardship and pain because you hope it
will benefit you in the long run are contributing factors to emotional status
during a time like this. It feels like a chasm separates you and everyone else
because no one gets it, that’s a lonely feeling.
Months pass by and progress was frustratingly slow. 3 months
passed before I could get into a car. This is going to sound strange but it was
really hard. A similar pattern followed with other things such as standing,
daily living activities and transfers. Initially it was gruelling, it took what
seemed like forever, I’ve failed and fallen but I’ve tried again. I used to
take all these activities for granted, but now I’m learning how to do them
again. Every day, I practice and slowly I have become better. Now, it’s easier
for me to stand, I’m almost fully independent and I can get into a car pretty
easily. These things are still challenging, but less-so than they used to be. I’m
slowly re-integrating back into normality, I’m living at home, working
part-time and doing ‘normal’ things with friends and family.
As cliché as it sounds, practice makes perfect. Never give
up, no matter how hard it seems, there is always hope. In the beginning I didn’t
believe that but I’ve met so many amazing people along this journey that have
taught me lessons I’ll never forget. If it weren’t for these people I have no
idea how I would have got to where I am, I owe so much to them. My journey is nowhere
near over and the frustrating thing is I don’t know where the end point lies.
But I know it’s closer than it was.
Since I’m still in the thick of this I’ve decided that I’ll
only be posting when I feel inspired. This isn’t because I don’t
want to, it’s because life is still happening around me and I have other
priorities that come before the blog right now.
I want to leave you with this quote I found via an old
friend of mine; “with hardship comes ease”. I truly believe in this quote
because through this experience I have learnt so much about myself and the
world around me. This experience has changed me. Although it’s been the hardest
experience of my life, I have tried to use it to better myself as a person. Plucking
positives from negative experience is really hard to do but it can be done.
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